I have been sad and was moping around the entire week but didn’t know why. Only yesterday I realised its because of today, being Mother’s Day. It says in this article that I should communicate my feelings to you and that “writing is therapeutic because it helps bring out thoughts and emotions that might otherwise churn around inside…….” So here are my thoughts and I hope to get some therapy at the same time by writing about you.
Growing up wasn’t easy as you ruled us all with iron hands but that was only because you wanted us to turn out proper and you did a good job with that. At a very early age, you taught us to manage the house chores and ‘man-up’ to be big girls but that’s because you had so many people to take care of in the same household. There were three little girls, a boy, a husband, and your own mother and father at the same time. Life must’ve been very difficult for you because we lived in a house with two huge spaces that we converted into rooms, a kitchen and a separate room for grandpa and grandma. Yet, you still pulled through those times.
We didn’t have washing machines, dishwashers, vacuum cleaners, proper wardrobes, phones, TV, not even beds. But we had each other and we made do with what we had because dad struggled everyday to feed the family; sometimes I wondered how there was always food to keep us from getting hungry everyday. Our bathroom was outside the house and the toilet, well… even further outside the house and was not just our own, but shared by at least 5 other families within that small community. Such was life back then and computers were never heard of.
Fast track to the 70s where we all, except grandpa and grandma, moved into a two bedroom flat where I started school and life was at least more decent and facilities were better. You gave birth to the fifth child in 1975 but that was not after one or two miscarriages. I could cry at this point when I remember all these. We were all growing up fast and I sometimes wondered how you and dad made ends meet but I knew times were hard then. I started working as soon as I was able and then my sisters did the same too. But you still had to keep up with preparing and putting food at the table for us when we returned from work every day and you kept the house in order at all times. We never had to see mess or clothes thrown all over the house and you hardly ever left dirty dishes in the sink, being the neat and organized person you were.
Back then I used to think all that you’ve done was no big deal and I always grumbled when I had to wash, dry and put away the dishes after each mealtimes and cleaned and tidied the house when I was home each weekend because I was selfish, thinking that time off from work should be time well spent with friends and going out. I hardly thought you deserved any help. Now, thinking back, I wish I had done more and I wish I was the one who had told you to sit, relax, watch TV while the girls and I cook or attempt to cook and serve you instead. I wish I was a nicer and more thoughtful daughter.
It is too late now and all I could offer you are my prayers and my apologies for not being there when you needed me. I am forever grateful for everything you and dad have done to make us who we are now. I might have been blind and selfish in the past but I vow to help and be there for dad as much as I can and as best as God would allow me to be. I can never get over the loss of you, mom but I shall try to cope with it.
If I had one wish, I would like to turn back time and be with you the entire year of 2013 so that I can catch up with you in the years that I’ve missed us being together and treat you like a queen, so that you can be happier and think of your remaining life as more worthwhile but alas, I can’t. So I will keep up my prayers for you and try to be a good daughter to dad and a good sister to my siblings, so help me God.
I love you mom and I always will. Rest in peace and may God place you with the good people in Jannah.